Coaching, Communication, Mindfulness, Work/Life Balance

Turning Venting Into Aikido: Finding the Good in Conversations 

Life as a co-parent in a separated household can be challenging. When schedules clash and emotions run high, the temptation to vent is all too familiar. It’s natural – we all need an outlet sometimes. But what if we could approach these moments with a mindset inspired by Aikido, the martial art of harmonizing with energy rather than resisting it? My brother, Steven, helped me with this analogy decades ago, and it has stuck ever since. 

What is Aikido? 

Aikido is a Japanese word. It teaches practitioners to redirect the energy of an attack, using its force to create a productive outcome. The principle isn’t about fighting back but about guiding the energy toward balance. In life, we can use this philosophy to navigate negativity – whether it’s our own frustrations or those of others. 

The Scenario: Co-Parenting Challenges 

Let’s consider a fictionalized email shared by a client who is a co-parent and whose story offers a perfect opportunity to practice emotional Aikido. For privacy, names have been changed, but the situation reflects what many parents in separated households face.  

In response to being asked to share care responsibilities of their son, Jaime who lives full time with Jonathan, the other parent, Alex, writes: 

I’m at my wit’s end thinking about December. If I have both kids at home all month, I’ll go crazy – especially since Jamie is only in daycare for three hours a day.  

Alex continues, writing, I can support but only for some time. But honestly, it’s far away – 15 minutes by bus, and the bus runs every 10 minutes, plus a short walk. What can I say? 

At first glance, the email radiates frustration for Jonathan: the stress of balancing children’s schedules, the limited daycare hours, the perceived inconvenience of Alex’s help. But buried in that venting is a powerful phrase: 

“I can support but only for some time.” 

Highlighting the Good 

That simple statement, “I can support,” is the positive energy in the situation. It shows willingness and effort, even if it’s not unlimited. By focusing on this part of the email and letting the rest fade into the background, you can reframe the narrative. 

Imagine mentally highlighting the good part in bright yellow while the complaints fade into gray. Suddenly, the tone changes, and you’re left with a message that says, “I can support.”

Redirecting Energy 

When we vent or hear someone venting, we often grab onto the negatives. It’s like trying to push back against the force of an attack. But Aikido teaches us to redirect that energy instead: 

For Yourself: Instead of dwelling on frustrations, train your mind to focus on the good. In this example, Alex’s willingness to help, even in a limited capacity, becomes the central theme. 

For Others: When someone vents to you, acknowledge the positive they’ve expressed – even if it’s small. This helps them reframe their own thinking. 

Why This Matters: Redirecting thoughts and emotions requires setting aside ego – the part of us that wants to point fingers or dwell on inconvenience. It’s not easy, especially in emotionally charged situations like co-parenting. But with practice, this approach can lead to less friction and more constructive conversations, and better outcomes in general. 

The Exercise: Find the Yellow Highlight 

Start practicing by identifying the “yellow highlight” in conversations: 

  • What’s the good in this situation? 
  • What can I focus on to shift my perspective? 

In the example above, Alex’s support might not be perfect, but it’s something. By focusing on that, the parent can approach the situation with gratitude rather than frustration. This mindset can make co-parenting less about obstacles and more about shared effort. 

Final Thoughts 

Aikido isn’t about mastering force but mastering flow. In the same way, handling frustrations – whether your own or someone else’s – requires redirection, not resistance. By highlighting the good, you can lighten the emotional load for everyone involved. 

So the next time you face a challenge, pause and ask: 

What’s the good I can focus on here? 

 
P.S. We all need this reminder sometimes. Writing this helped me as much as I hope it helps you. And to be completely honest, I don’t always get it right.  But let’s keep practicing together because I know when I Aikido, we all win.

Michael Hoffman

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